This Squall/Zell fic is a very loose reworking of I Need You, the first fic I ever completed, which I wrote at the age of thirteen. I was interested to see how different the fic would be if I wrote something similar as an adult, two decades later. To ensure I wouldn't copy it too closely, I didn't reread the original before writing this.
The original fic was highly implausible and didn't make much sense, so turning the concept into something workable was a real challenge! You can find it here if you're curious, but be warned that thirteen-year-old me had very little grasp of a) characterisation, and b) human behaviour.
Zell kind of figured that fighting an overpowered sorceress from the future would be the scariest thing he’d ever have to do. Definitely the scariest thing he’d have to do today.
Seeing Squall just lying there is definitely a lot worse.
Zell can’t find any words right now, so Quistis is the one to ask. “Is he—?”
“He’s breathing,” Rinoa says, and oh, man, that’s a relief. She’s on her knees among the flowers, her arms around Squall. “I think he got trapped in time compression. I found him in this... this wasteland; I don’t know how long he’d been there. He was—” She loses her grip on her voice for a moment; it just kind of chokes off. “He was already unconscious when I found him.”
Zell’s still staring at Squall. There’s a grey tinge to his skin that’s really freaking Zell out.
“I used as much magic as I could,” Rinoa says. She doesn’t look well either; she must be exhausted. She’s a sorceress; Zell keeps forgetting. Her magic is hers, something she has to put in the effort to call out of her own body, not just something stored by her GFs. “But I think we need to get him to a doctor.”
-
Dr Kadowaki kicks them all out of the infirmary so she can examine Squall. The others are talking quietly while they wait outside, but Zell can’t focus on what anyone’s saying; he just paces restlessly.
Zell’s shoes sound weirdly loud on the corridor floor. He’s never noticed that before, but he guesses maybe it stands out when he’s listening non-stop for the doctor’s approach.
Dr Kadowaki gives them all a quick smile when she emerges at last. Which has to be a good sign, right?
“Is he okay?” Rinoa asks, at the same time Quistis asks, “Is he awake?”
“He’s still out, but it looks to me like he’ll recover,” Dr Kadowaki says. “It’s obviously a nasty battle you went through, though, and he’s badly dehydrated on top of that. I thought he’d been assigned Shiva, and he reported that he’d found Leviathan a few months ago, but I couldn’t feel their presence.”
Rinoa raises her hand slightly. “He gave Shiva to me.”
“I’ve got Leviathan,” Zell says.
Dr Kadowaki nods. “Okay, perfect. Mind junctioning them to him? They’ll fix his dehydration a lot quicker than anything I could do.”
-
It’s weird, giving a GF to someone who’s not conscious. Zell knows how it usually goes: you put your hand on their head, they call your GF into their mind, sometimes there’s some embarrassed giggling. If you’re taking a GF from an enemy, you get your hand on them in the heat of battle, you draw the GF out in one quick yank, and then they’re pissed.
He’s never forcibly given a GF before. He can’t really figure it out. He sits there by the bed, with his eyes closed and his palm on Squall’s forehead, and he tries to push Leviathan out along his arm somehow.
Nothing. He can still feel Leviathan curled up in his mind.
Please, he thinks, desperately. Some GFs can be spoken to, reasoned with, but he’s never had much luck with Leviathan.
It must be possible. He’s just seen Rinoa hand over Shiva.
He opens his eyes, looks at Squall’s face. Tells himself that he has to do this for him.
He puts his other hand on Squall’s head, too. Tries to focus. He can sense the GFs Squall already has junctioned, faintly: Quezacotl, Diablos, Shiva.
He leans closer. Focuses everything he has on Squall, on helping Squall, on giving his GF to Squall.
And then he registers how close he is and kind of jolts, and in that instant he feels Leviathan pass into Squall’s mind, and also—
Shit, and also Ifrit. That’s definitely not going to help with any dehydration.
He draws Ifrit back into himself as fast as he can. Turns back to Rinoa and Dr Kadowaki, hoping nobody noticed his screwup just now.
“You managed it?” Rinoa asks.
Zell nods. “He’s got Leviathan.”
“Great,” Dr Kadowaki says. “That’ll really help him. Your magic helped to stabilise him before he came here, so now we just have to let him rest and give the GFs time to fix him up. Don’t consider this a promise, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he woke up in the next few days.”
“Can I sit with him?” Rinoa asks.
“Yeah, me too,” Zell says, instantly. “If he wakes up, I want to know.”
Dr Kadowaki gives Zell a flat look: an I wish you hadn’t asked that kind of look.
“What?” Zell asks, crossing his arms.
Dr Kadowaki sighs. “Look, I know you’re only worried about your friend. But he needs time to recover, and... you’re not known for being unrowdy.”
“I’ll be good,” Zell says. “I swear, I promise. I just – I just wanna be with him.”
“Fine,” Dr Kadowaki says. “But only if you let me look at you guys first. Squall’s not the only one who’s been fighting a sorceress.”
-
They’re all on paid leave right now; apparently you earn some free time if you save the world. Zell heads to Balamb to see his ma, give her a hug, catch her up on all the crazy stuff that’s happened.
She asks if he’ll be staying. He shakes his head, says he’s needed back at Balamb Garden. All the others are there; Irvine and Rinoa have both been given temporary rooms, so they can stay near Squall until he recovers.
Back at Garden, Zell spends most of his time just sitting by Squall’s bed in the infirmary, keeping an eye on him.
Sometimes one of the others will join him, usually Rinoa, and they’ll talk a little. Sometimes Zell’s tension will spill over, he’ll need to move, and he’ll head over to the training centre to beat up some monsters. But he keeps ending up back there, watching Squall like he thinks it’ll somehow fix him faster.
Squall’s looking healthier than he did when Rinoa found him, at least. The greyness in his skin has gone. He looks pretty much like he’s sleeping; he’s just not waking up.
Until he does.
Squall’s eyelids have sometimes kind of fluttered while he’s been lying there, and Zell figures it’s the same thing until they actually open. In that instant, he can’t even process what that means. He hasn’t prepared himself for this.
Zell stares into Squall’s eyes for a long, frozen moment.
And then Zell’s suddenly pushing his chair back, clattering to his feet; it doesn’t even feel like a conscious decision. “Oh, uh, you’ll probably want to talk to Rinoa, I’ll go get her—”
“Zell?” Squall asks, sounding confused.
Zell is wildly embarrassed, suddenly, that he’s been sitting by Squall’s bedside all this time. “We’ve just been watching you in shifts, it’s Rinoa’s turn anyway. Uh, it’s great to see you... awake and alive and stuff. Bye!”
He doesn’t look at Squall’s expression. He just gets out of there.
He actually does track Rinoa down in the library to let her know Squall’s awake, so that definitely wasn’t just an excuse. She lights up when she hears it. “How is he?”
“Oh, uh,” Zell says, “I didn’t really have a chance to talk to him. I just came to get you.”
Rinoa nods. “Come on, then; we’ll talk to him together.”
“Nah, that’s fine,” Zell says. “I bet you want some time to see him alone.”
A slight frown crosses Rinoa’s face. “You’ve been waiting in there all this time, right? You’re not even going to talk to him?”
Zell shrugs. “I’ll see him some other time. I figure you’re the priority right now.”
“Okay,” Rinoa says. “Well, thanks.”
She heads off. Zell watches her leave, shifting restlessly from foot to foot. Squall’s awake.
Zell should probably take the opportunity to head over to his dorm, get some real sleep instead of just dozing in an uncomfortable chair. Or go to the cafeteria, maybe; he keeps forgetting about meals.
He lingers in the library instead. Sometimes he grabs a book, sees if it looks interesting, but he can’t really focus on anything right now. He’s checked all the spines on the shelves three or four times by the time Rinoa comes back, and it’s only then that Zell realises he’s been waiting for her.
“How is he?” Zell asks.
“Asleep again,” Rinoa says, and Zell’s not sure how to describe the weird mix of emotions that leaves him with. “Dr Kadowaki says he still needs a lot of rest. We were able to talk, though.”
Zell nods. “And?”
“He mostly just wanted to check everyone else was okay,” Rinoa says, with a small smile.
Sounds about right. Man, it’s good to know he’s conscious again. Or that he’s regained consciousness, at least, even if he’s gone straight back to sleep.
“I’m going to let the others know he woke up,” Rinoa says. “You should probably get some rest, too. I feel like you’ve been in there every time I’ve visited him.”
Zell yawns. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”
He heads out, with a wave to Rinoa, and makes for the infirmary again.
-
Someone is saying his name, he’s vaguely aware.
Someone is saying his name. Zell. That’s his name, right?
Oh, shit, someone is saying his name and he’s asleep.
Zell jerks upright in his seat, looking around guiltily. He’s in the infirmary, sitting next to Squall’s bed; the bedcovers are creased where he’s been leaning on them.
“Your bed isn’t far,” Quistis says. She’s in the doorframe, just watching. “You could get some actual sleep.”
She has a point. He can’t keep getting caught sleeping in here; Dr Kadowaki’s started threatening to ban him if he doesn’t take better care of himself. But...
Zell hesitates, looking back at Squall. He’s still asleep, still breathing. He looks peaceful.
“He’s not going to evaporate if you leave the room,” Quistis says.
“It freaks me out,” Zell admits. “I kind of feel like I have to watch him when he’s asleep, just in case... y’know, in case he doesn’t wake up again. I just – I just need him to be okay.”
Quistis sighs, quietly. “I know what you mean. Dr Kadowaki seems to think he’s past the worst of it, though. And... I don’t want to sound insensitive, but this isn’t something you can control. You can’t keep him conscious by exhausting yourself.”
“It’s fine,” Zell says. “Nowhere else I have to be. It’s not like we’ve got a mission.”
Silence. When Zell looks around to check if Quistis has left, she’s still there, arms folded, resting her shoulder against the doorframe.
“You want to sit down?” Zell asks.
“What are your thoughts on Squall?” Quistis asks.
What? That’s a weirdly vague question. “Uh, he’s... a really good fighter?”
“I’m probably overstepping,” Quistis says. “But Squall was... a little intense, you might remember, when Rinoa was unconscious. You’re almost reminding me of him.”
Zell stares at her. Is she seriously saying...? “Uh. It’s not – it’s not like that. I’m just worried.”
Quistis nods. “We all are. But now we’re starting to worry about you, too. Make sure you get some sleep.”
“Okay,” Zell says. He gets off his chair, folds it up. Leans it against the wall. “I won’t unfold it again today, okay? I promise. So I’ll have to go back to my dorm to get some sleep.”
“Good,” Quistis says. “Don’t leave it too long.”
-
Zell opens his eyes and finds himself looking up at a ceiling. Which... feels weird, actually; he’s been getting kind of used to sleeping in a chair. His back definitely feels better now that he’s had a night in an actual bed.
He looks to one side and nearly shits his pants.
Squall. Squall is here. Next to his bed, watching him. Why is Squall in—
Wait, this isn’t Zell’s dorm room. He’s still in the infirmary.
He’s in the infirmary, in the bed. The bed Squall is meant to be in.
“What?” Zell demands. And, even louder, just in case someone in Trabia somehow didn’t hear him, “What?”
“Are you okay?” Squall asks.
“Am I okay? Last time I checked, you’re the one who needs medical treatment.” Wait. “Did something happen to me?”
He lifts the bedclothes, just to check. At a glance, he still seems to have all his limbs.
“You were asleep on the floor,” Squall says. He hesitates for a moment before adding, “I was worried about you.”
Zell presses his hands over his face. “So you put me in the bed,” he mumbles into his palms. “The bed you needed.”
This is humiliating. All he wanted to do was make sure Squall was okay, and he ended up forcing the guy to give up his own bed.
“What happened?” Squall asks. “Was it Ellone?”
It takes Zell a moment to make sense of that question. Right. The Ward dreams. “Nah. I just fell asleep.”
Squall pauses. “On the floor.”
Zell’s first instinct is to try to explain. It makes total sense! Normally he’d have fallen asleep in the chair. He’d folded up the chair so he’d have to go back to his dorm room if he wanted to sleep. And then he, uh, kind of didn’t.
He can’t explain that. That sounds completely insane. He just watched Squall for so long that he passed out? Yeah, that’s not normal.
Well, maybe Squall would get it, given his reaction when Rinoa was in a coma. Or... maybe those aren’t parallels Zell really wants to be drawing.
Shit. Was Quistis right? Is he, like... into Squall? Squall, who is cool and skilled and also definitely not an option for at least five different reasons, starting with ‘he’s got Rinoa’ and detouring through ‘would probably shut down if anyone else showed interest’ before reaching ‘probably out of Zell’s league anyway’?
Zell rolls onto his front and shoves his face into the pillow. He absolutely cannot look at Squall right now.
He’s an idiot.
“Zell?” Squall asks.
Zell mumbles a few nonsense syllables into the pillow, in the hope that they will magically emerge as exactly the right thing to say in this situation.
“Should I get Dr Kadowaki?” Squall asks. “She wasn’t around when I woke up.”
“I’m fine,” Zell says, extracting himself from the pillow. He climbs out of the bed, carefully avoiding Squall’s gaze. “You should lie down.”
There’s a moment’s silence before Squall speaks. “You won’t look at me.”
That jolts Zell into meeting his eyes. “You’re seriously gonna pick now to become a body language expert?”
Squall looks startled, then annoyed. “You’re acting unusually. I don’t have to be an expert to notice.”
The words kind of feel like they get trapped somewhere in Zell’s abdomen, fluttering around. Squall has an image of him in his head; Squall notices when something’s wrong. Squall isn’t a guy who pays much attention to people, normally. But he pays attention to Zell.
Everything inside Zell is starting to solidify from oh, shit, maybe I’m having unwanted feelings about Squall to oh, shit, I am definitely having unwanted feelings about Squall.
“Just get some sleep,” Zell says, starting to back out of the room.
“Zell,” Squall says.
Okay, Zell can’t just leave it at that, because then Squall’s probably going to think he’s somehow pissed Zell off. He hunts desperately through his mind for something to say, and eventually he just blurts, “Feel better soon, okay?” and pretty much bolts out of there.
-
The good thing about avoiding the infirmary, rather than spending every possible moment there, is that Zell can start catching up on everything he’s been neglecting. He gets some sleep in his dorm, and, yeah, beds are pretty great. He eats his meals in the cafeteria with the others, and it’s kind of incredible to take his time over food, have an actual conversation.
But his mind’s still back at Squall, and he slows down a little every time he passes the corridor to the infirmary, like he’s fighting against the pull of a magnet.
Eventually, it drags him back in.
-
“Back again?” Dr Kadowaki asks.
Zell shifts uncomfortably on his feet, glances in the direction of the patient room. “Is he asleep?”
“He still needs a lot of rest,” Dr Kadowaki says. “He’ll be back to a normal schedule before long, but right now, yeah, he’s sleeping. Sorry.”
“No, that’s great,” Zell says, and then, when Dr Kadowaki raises her eyebrows, “Uh, I mean that’s fine. Can I see him?”
-
Zell slips a hand into Squall’s to hold it. He’s done it a few times before while Squall’s been out; feeling the warmth of his hand is a solid reassurance that he’s still alive. It still feels a little weird that neither of them are wearing gloves, though.
Squall stirs a little, a hint of a frown. Zell freezes up, watches until he can be sure Squall’s asleep.
He can’t actually say any of this stuff to Squall while he’s awake. Not yet, at least. But Zell’s never been great at what his ma calls keeping a lid on your feelings; when something’s up with him, people know. If he doesn’t say anything about this, it’s just going to explode out of him sooner or later.
Which means he has to say something now.
“Sorry for being so weird,” Zell says. Keeping his voice as quiet as he can manage, but that’s not something he’s great at either. “It’s not your fault. It’s just, uh. I might. Kind of be in love with you?”
It feels like Squall’s hand tenses up in his, just for an instant.
Shit!
Is that just some kind of subconscious reaction in his sleep? Is Squall awake; did he hear what Zell said, is he processing it right now?
“I mean!” Zell says, quickly. “I’m not asking for anything. Like, I don’t expect anything. I know you’ve got Rinoa. It’s just a fact, it’s just how I feel, I can sit on it, it’s fine.” He hesitates. “And, uh. If I screw up with sitting on it, ’cause I know I’m pretty bad at that kind of thing...” He’s trying not to think about the fact that he’s probably screwed it up already. “I don’t know. I just hope we can still be friends, I guess.”
For a moment, nothing happens. If Squall is awake, at least he doesn’t have his eyes open to see how hard Zell’s blushing.
And then Squall’s hand tightens slightly on his. A short squeeze, but long enough for Zell to be sure he didn’t imagine it.
Zell can’t help laughing in relief. For the most embarrassing moment in his life, that could have gone worse. “Thanks, Squall.”
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