These are the notes I took during a replay of Final Fantasy VIII between 2021 and 2022. I originally posted these to my blog. In some cases, I may have expanded on these thoughts elsewhere on this website, so it's possible some sections will sound familiar.

Any annotations from the present day (2024) are in [square brackets].

3 April 2021: I Saved My Soul To A Memory Card

My head: Hey, you should get back to one of the games you've started but never finished. Tales of the Abyss? Tales of Berseria? Spirit of Justice? Steins;Gate? Lucid9?
My heart: Hey, how long has it been since you last played Final Fantasy VIII?

I told myself a few years back that I couldn't possibly justify ever playing Final Fantasy VIII again. I'd played it so much that I almost knew it by heart. I don't need to replay this game; it's written into me. But the Persona series, with its combination of attending school and fighting monsters, left me thinking about Balamb Garden, and somehow I've found myself back here.

I'm playing the original, ported without changes to PS3, rather than the remaster. I was excited for the remaster when I first heard about it, but then I learnt it had blurred the backgrounds and reduced Squall's range of movement to eight directions, so I decided against getting it. It's just not Final Fantasy VIII if you can't run around in smooth circles and watch your teammates follow you in perfect step. I'm glad a version exists on more modern consoles, though, so new players can still discover this beautiful catastrophe of a game.

The fight between Squall and Seifer in the opening cutscene is still rad as hell, over two decades later. Pretty incredible stuff for 1999 3D animation in a videogame, even considering that it's an FMV.

Look at all of Squall's movements! I love him. The realistically proportioned models in Final Fantasy VIII allow for more human, subtle body language than the ones in the original Final Fantasy VII, which had to rely on large gestures, although we're not yet at the point of being able to see facial expressions outside FMVs. [I expand more on this thought on the animation page of this website.]

Considering that Final Fantasy VII came out on the same hardware, two years earlier, Final Fantasy VIII is a remarkable graphical upgrade. Square had obviously learnt a lot from their early efforts at 3D modelling and animation.

Balamb Garden! This place feels so familiar. It's good to be home.

Love that this late-nineties game includes an in-game school intranet forum that ends up being shut down because the pupils just use it for arguments and talking about how hot the teachers are. Truly ahead of its time.

The way background NPCs move around, and sometimes appear in a particular area and sometimes don't, is a really cool touch that helps the world feel more alive. I don't remember seeing anything like it before I played this game. In the other games I'd played, characters were either programmed to be in an area or they weren't; there wasn't this element of chance.

This was also the first game I played in which you could overhear conversations NPCs were having amongst themselves, without actually being involved in the conversation. Again, a nice little touch that makes the world feel more real. People aren't just standing around, waiting to talk to you; they've got their own lives going on!

Still can't believe I got lost straight out of the gate on my first playthrough, spent four literal hours wandering Balamb before I found the Fire Cavern, and somehow still stuck with this game. I'm impressed both by thirteen-year-old me's patience and by her lack of observational skills.

It's hard to express how much this game means to me. I'm glad it exists.

5 April 2021: You'd Think At Some Point I'd Run Out Of Things To Say About This Game

I've completed the field exam in my Final Fantasy VIII replay, and I'm just before the Timber mission!

Can't believe Quistis calls, 'Over here, Zell!' and Zell backflips down the corridor towards her. What a loser. I love him.

I also can't believe Headmaster Cid goes, 'Don't worry, we're sending qualified mercenaries with you so they can get the job done if you die on your exam.' I know I shouldn't be surprised that the school for training child soldiers is screwed up, but this school is really screwed up. (Xu's 'we could have made more money if they'd stayed and caused more aggro' comment about the departure of the invading forces also drives home what a messed-up place Balamb Garden is.)

I'd forgotten that Seifer asks Squall, 'Huh? You scared, too?' before the field exam! I don't ship them romantically - I've always been more of a Squall/Zell person - but I do find their dynamic fascinating. [I talk more about Squall and Seifer's dynamic on this page.]

We have so much insight into Squall's head most of the time, but we don't get to hear what he's thinking when Xu tells Seifer, 'Seifer, you'll never be a SeeD. Calling yourself a captain is a joke,' and Seifer, shaking, goes silent. I'm really curious about how Squall feels in that scene.

Look at Selphie and Zell parading up and down the corridor after being made SeeDs. These ridiculous kids.

Seifer being the first to start applauding the new SeeDs, after all his disparaging comments and all his frustration over his inability to pass the exam himself, is such an interesting moment for his character.

Squall and Rinoa's first dance together remains one of my favourite cutscenes in any videogame. Look at Squall's complete inability to dance. Beautiful.

Some people feel that Squall is pretending to be a terrible dancer to make Rinoa leave him alone, but I prefer to believe that Squall genuinely can't dance and the more competent footwork we see later on comes after a long, unseen sequence of Rinoa training him with great determination. Squall doesn't like to draw attention to himself, so I don't think he'd intentionally make a fool of himself on the dance floor.

Considering that this game is unvoiced, there's some surprisingly effective use of silence. The dialogue boxes are sometimes timed to make it clear that there are significant pauses in a conversation, even if those pauses can't be 'heard'. It particularly stands out in Squall and Quistis's early interactions. Pauses where Squall analyses the meaning behind what she's actually saying; pauses where he decides how he's supposed to respond to her flirting.

Squall's 'go talk to a wall' line is unkind, but, to be fair to him, Quistis has put him in a very uncomfortable position, as his teacher.

Quistis: Hey, I'm going to open up to you, my student, about all my insecurities.
Squall: Uh.
Quistis: Let's have this conversation at Makeout Point.
Squall: Let's not?

I never really registered it before, but Squall immediately brings up their relationship as teacher and student when Quistis approaches him at the dance:

Quistis: So you'll dance with someone you don't even know, but you can't even stand being around me?
Squall: ...Whatever. You're an instructor, and I'm your student. It's kind of awkward when you don't say anything.

Squall gets criticised for being rude to Quistis in the early game, but I've got a lot of sympathy for him this time around. His teacher is being inappropriately personal with him; I can't blame him for trying to set boundaries. [I talk more about this on this page.]

That said, he's got no excuse for not talking to perfect boy Zell at the ball.

22 June 2021: Your Companions Are Having Fun, And Seem Reluctant To Part

[This was technically a post about Persona 5, rather than Final Fantasy VIII, but it ended up being relevant to my Final Fantasy VIII replay!]

I'd forgotten how much Persona 5 makes me think of Final Fantasy VIII, between the school setting, the quiet protagonist and Ryuji 'Zell Dincht' Sakamoto. Ryuji and Zell aren't identical, but there's definitely enough similarity to call Zell to mind.

I dreamt a couple of nights ago about Squall and Zell kissing, and I'm blaming my Persona 5 replay. (Maybe 'thanking' would be a better word than 'blaming'. Squall/Zell was my first ever ship, and I woke up reflecting very fondly on it.)

I just looked up the account of the dream I wrote when half-asleep, and I'm going to type it up because it made me smile:

Dreamt I was Squall Leonhart and kissed Zell after an intense foot race around a raised track. EXTREMELY GOOD. I think I was sort of trying to hint at it and he went 'yeah, you don't have to ask, you can absolutely kiss me' (because, as we all know, Zell is very in love with Squall).

Barret was annoyed with us for kissing on the track instead of continuing to race. Barret, the race was supposed to be seventy-two laps; it was lap five and we were all exhausted already. Making out with Zell was a much better conclusion to the race than actually seeing it through. Also, what are you doing here? You're a FFVII character.

Rinoa had previously suggested letting Zell win to make him feel better. Hopefully the kissing succeeded in making him feel good without having to compromise the race.

7 July 2021: Final Fantasy VIII Is A Sixty-Hour Card Game

My beautiful Squall/Zell dream inspired me to pick up the Final Fantasy VIII replay I started back in April and dropped when 13 Sentinels ate me.

How did the orphanage kids end up at Garden? Did they come with Edea when she married Cid? If so, why do Selphie and Irvine end up at different Gardens?

Or does Garden just have a habit of adopting kids in order to turn them into child soldiers? (Side note: horrifying.) Is that how Edea met Cid in the first place?

Actually, I seem to remember Cid and Edea set up Garden together. Maybe the orphanage kids were there from its inception. (Perhaps with the exception of Zell, who was fortunate enough to get adopted by an actual person and not a murder school. I wonder if he enrolled in Garden because his friends from the orphanage were there and then, on account of GF use, forgot they were friends.)

On the way to assist the resistance in Timber, Zell tells his mother he has 'outdoor class'. How much does Ma Dincht know about the nature of Zell's education?

'Have you improved your game?' Ma Dincht asks when we challenge her. Was Squall in the habit of playing cards with Zell's mother even before the game began? I would love that.

(Or are you canonically playing against her as Zell? I've just looked it up, and apparently she'll only play if Zell is in the party, so that might be the case!)

I'm never going to progress this game. I'm in Triple Triad hell and I'm not leaving until I've got a card with Zell's face on it. GIVE ME YOUR SON, MA DINCHT.

I got the card! I imagine Zell was slightly troubled to watch Squall and his mother having ferocious non-stop card battles for over an hour. Either that or he spent the entire time enthusiastically cheering both of them. I'm ignoring the 'you're playing against her as Zell' possibility because I enjoy this mental image so much.

(Although the mental image of Zell begging to use Squall's cards so he can finally beat his mum at Triple Triad is also very good.)

Zell's really enthusiastic about knowing things and sharing that knowledge, and it's pretty endearing. Hey, this train goes through an undersea tunnel; it's awesome! Do you want to hear about the history of Timber? He's not condescending about it at all; he just thinks facts are cool.

In the Julia flashback, I caught myself smiling so widely at what an absolute loser Laguna is. Strange to remember how distressed I was, the first time I played this game, to suddenly find myself inhabiting this unknown character. I couldn't possibly save; what if I never went back to being Squall? [I talk more about this on this page.]

It'd be fun if Laguna and company could actually hear and converse with the main party during the flashbacks, rather than just having a vague sense that there's some sort of presence around. Fanfiction material?

4 June 2022: Coming Home To Balamb Again

I've been trying to write fanfiction for Squall/Zell, the first pairing I ever really shipped, and it's just impossible. Who's going to make the first move? Obviously not Squall. I can't picture Zell doing it either. It's hard to picture either of them even recognising any feelings they might have for each other, so I can't even write pining.

I used to be confused that Squall/Zell wasn't a bigger pairing, but it turns out it's physically impossible to write. I suppose that explains it.

Strictly speaking, I have written Squall/Zell once before - it was my first ever attempt at writing romance - but I was thirteen and it was dire. [I'm talking here about I Need You.] Perhaps one day I'll manage to write something less terrible for these two; they deserve it!

I've been thinking a lot about Final Fantasy VIII lately. I've gone through so many fandoms over the years, but every so often my heart will fly back to this game; it's the single work of fiction that's most important to me and the one I'll always, always, always come back to. I've loved it for twenty years, and I'll love it for the rest of my life. These messed-up teenage mercenaries are a permanent part of me.

6 October 2022: The Coach's Concerns Are Frankly Justified

Nothing calms me down quite like playing Final Fantasy VIII. There's something very soothing about spending time with this game I know so well and love so deeply. I'd drifted away from my replay for a year or so, but I picked up the controller and sank straight back in as if I'd never left.

When Julia says, 'You have beautiful eyes. Though they look a bit scared now. Don't worry, I'm not gonna pluck 'em out and eat 'em,' I can really see Rinoa in her.

Zell shadowboxing when he's embarrassed!

'You tell us to go, we go. Even if it is a losing battle,' Zell says to Rinoa. These kids have been brought up in the full expectation that, at any point, someone might tell them to die, and they'll just have to go ahead and die.

(...Feel sorry? Seifer would hate to hear that.) Squall knows Seifer so well; I think, at the start of the game, Seifer is the only person Squall deeply knows. Later: (That's just to ease your mind. Am I the only one who thinks that? No, I'm sure Seifer...)

Poor Zell gets so quiet and withdrawn after he realises he's endangered Garden.

Sort of hits me in the heart that, when Ward thinks he's about to die and can barely speak, he forces himself to tell Laguna and Kiros, 'It was fun, you guys.'

After the second Laguna dream, Squall thinks, If it were just me, I could tell the others it was only a crazy dream. It's so much easier for him to dismiss problems if he's the only one they affect.

When they first arrive at Galbadia Garden:

Zell: Sure is quiet.
Squall: ...I like it.
(Rinoa starts laughing)

It's pretty cute!

I don't remember discovering the Galbadia Garden hockey changing room before!

'Have you heard about that hockey team made up of a bunch of monsters?' the coach asks. 'We're gonna play them next week. To tell the truth, I'm kinda worried. Some guys told me that they play so rough that some of our guys might get killed.'

I am REELING from the discovery that there's an explanation for the hockey monsters you fight on the Galbadia rink later, and the explanation is 'they're a visiting hockey team playing Galbadia'.

I will always love Squall having a long, increasingly distressed internal monologue leading to an outburst, whereas all his companions see is Squall pacing around in silence, then yelling 'I'M NOT HAVING ANYONE TALK ABOUT ME IN THE PAST TENSE' and running out of the room.

I love that, after Irvine flirts with her, Selphie goes 'why is my heart pounding?' and Squall very seriously tells her that it's the pressure of the mission. Bless you, Squall.

7 October 2022: Right And Wrong Are Not What Separate Us And Our Enemies

Just finished the first disc on my replay of Final Fantasy VIII! I just want to talk about this game at all times.

(Both Balamb and Galbadia Garden are joining forces with the general from the Galbadian Army. Why? ...No point in me thinking about it. SeeDs aren't meant to question why.)

Oh, Squall. He can only see himself as a tool; any misgivings or questions he might have don't matter.

When I first played this game, it was on a very dark screen and I couldn't see the rifle in the clocktower, so I didn't pick it up and nothing happened. Because I was thirteen, and because General Caraway had said we were to take the shot at 20.00, and because I had over nineteen hours of gameplay time, I assumed I was just supposed to wait until the gameplay clock hit twenty hours. It did not occur to me that 'make the player wait for half an hour' would be terrible game design, and I was very confused when it didn't work.

Caraway: So, who's going to lead this operation?
(everyone looks expectantly at Squall)
(long pause while Squall unsuccessfully wills everyone to stop looking at him)
Squall: I will.

It's cute that Squall thinks (Sorry, Zell) before naming Quistis as the leader of the gateway team. Squall's not great at reading people and often fails to pick up on how others are feeling, but Zell overcomes Squall's weakness by being extremely easy to read.

I'm impressed by Rinoa's boldness in going in person to trick Edea into wearing the power suppressant bangle. I mean, it's not a great plan and she's ultimately just putting herself in danger, but I can't hold that against her. She's the one halfway normal seventeen-year-old in this cast of traumatised child soldiers and she just wants to prove herself.

Rinoa's possessed swaying is genuinely unsettling.

I love that the crowd don't pause in their cheering for a moment as Edea insults them, threatens them and murders the president in front of them. They know what they like.

I also love that you can run straight up to the podium over the cheering crowd. We're the best at stealth missions.

General Caraway was all 'oh, we can't make a ruckus before the parade, they might cancel it', but Edea literally just killed the president in public and she's still getting a parade in her honour.

I like that Squall pushes out all personal thought until they've saved Rinoa and made it to their post in the clocktower, and only then takes a moment to think, (Seifer... So he's alive.)

(If I were to face the sorceress directly... would I have to go through Seifer? ...That's the way it goes as a SeeD. You can't choose your enemies...) And then he says, 'I may end up killing Seifer,' as bluntly as that.

Fading out on Squall's facepalm after Irvine says 'I can't do it' is the most hilarious possible ending to that very tense scene. It's terrible for everyone; Irvine's in turmoil, and, if Irvine can't make the shot, Squall will have to fight Seifer. But it's also very funny.

I also love that, when the scene comes back to them, Squall yells 'Irvine Kinneas!!' at him like he's a misbehaving child or pet, rather than a sniper who's refusing to shoot.

Final Fantasy VIII has never really been a story about saving the world. It's a story about Squall, how he develops, how he learns to connect to people. The events of the plot can feel a bit all over the place in later discs, and the villain's motives are unclear. But, at the heart of it all, the thread of Squall's development remains, and the story holds together a lot better once you realise that that's the story.

That said, the bit where you go to space for medical care is still pretty weird.

9 October 2022: Would Squall Include My Surname In His Dreamwidth Username?

[My username on Dreamwidth is 'rionaleonhart', hence the title of this post!]

Into the second disc of Final Fantasy VIII! I'm currently running around on Balamb Garden's MD level.

If Squall Leonhart played a game with me as the main character, I wonder if he'd identify with me the way I identified with him as a teenager.

Kiros explains he's been searching for Laguna for the past year. Laguna asks, 'Why?' and Kiros's response is 'After leaving the army... Well, just killing time, I guess.' I like Laguna/Raine a lot, but Laguna/Kiros is also very shippable.

As Squall in Laguna, I tried to ask 'Where am I?' and Laguna thought, (I know there's something here, but I don't know what it's saying.) I still think it would be really interesting if our party could actually make themselves heard to Laguna and company.

Can't believe everyone in Winhill is so keen to get rid of Laguna when he's the only one fighting the monsters.

I choose to believe Squall's wound disappears after Edea's attack because Seifer healed him. Seifer will never admit it, but of course he couldn't just let Squall die.

In some respects, the D-District prison sequence is a bit tedious - there's a lot of running up and down stairs! - but it also contains two of my favourite scenes in the game: Seifer torturing Squall, and Squall charging ahead to save Zell's life.

It feels like such a betrayal the first time you run into a random encounter in Balamb Garden during NORG's coup. This is our home, and it's no longer safe.

The first thing I did in the coup was break through to the dormitories and have a nap. I'm enjoying the image of Squall, Zell and Rinoa trying to grab a few broken minutes of sleep in Squall's single bed as the Garden falls apart around them, not knowing whether they'll be obliterated by missiles at any moment, because they haven't had any real rest in days and they can barely function.

I like that enemies have different animations for 'being hit with a regular attack' and 'being hit by a critical hit'. It really makes critical hits feel like they connect with more weight.

Cid: I want you to assist them and then evacuate.
Squall: But I have a lot to report.
Cid: You can tell me later.
Squall: (You might be dead later...)

I find this hilarious. You're so inconsiderate, Cid, not letting Squall report to you when you're at high risk of getting murdered in a coup. Who's he going to report to then? Honestly.

I think Final Fantasy VIII was where I first learnt the word 'mercenary'. Quite the introduction to the concept.

Squall: Sir, I'd like to handle whatever it is that you're planning.
Cid: And why is that?
Squall: (...I don't know... Because you might screw up. ...Because I want to do more than announce the evacuation. Because this place is important to me, too. Because I want to find out your plan. Because this is my home. I have too many reasons. I don't know why... Who cares?)
Squall: My feelings have nothing to do with it, sir.

Squall having a bunch of feelings and then going 'NONE OF THESE ARE IMPORTANT' is sort of heartbreaking.

14 October 2022: Is Seifer Ever Coming Back?

It is once again time for talking too much about Final Fantasy VIII. I'm up to Trabia Garden.

'Huh?! Rinoa's here, too?! Oh man, I'm not always like that, okay?' Aww, Zell's embarrassed that Rinoa saw him getting frustrated over hot dogs!

I'm not a big shipper of Squall/Rinoa on its own (to the surprise of many, given that my 'rionaleonhart' username makes me seem like a passionate Squall/Rinoa shipper and a bad speller). I don't dislike it, and I think knowing Rinoa is good for Squall, but I don't have any real investment in their romantic relationship. But I've thought for a long time that Squall/Zell/Rinoa would be extremely cute.

Kadowaki: Oh my... It's not every day I see you walk around with a girl! Is she your girlfriend?
Squall: No, just showing her around.
Rinoa: Squall... Gosh, can't you just say 'yes' for fun?
Squall: All right, then, 'yes'.

I love that he just follows orders, even though the opportunity has passed. Rinoa's still the client, after all!

Squall flips out when he learns Ellone has been sending them into the past. But he's not flipping out because she put him through a lot of confusion; he's flipping out because she has goals and he can't handle being relied on. 'Don't... don't count on me.' If people have expectations of you, that means you can fail, and you can let them down.

And that leads straight into one of my favourite Squall breakdowns: (I'm fine by myself now. I have all the skills I need to survive. I'm not a child anymore. ...That's a lie. I don't know anything. I'm confused.)

Squall is silently but intensely resentful to be asked to make contact with the mayor of Fishermans Horizon. He's not here to be a person; he's here to be a weapon. Ask him to die in battle, fine, but don't ask him to talk to someone.

(The lack of apostrophe in Fishermans Horizon makes me incredibly uncomfortable.)

But later Irvine asks him to talk to Selphie because she's down after the missile strike, and Squall's only response is '...Where is she?'! I think it's the first time Squall is told to talk to someone and doesn't react with 'I can't believe you'd make me do this.' Because, despite his best efforts, he cares about his comrades.

I love that nobody in Fishermans Horizon questions why our school is suddenly flying. They just go 'Oh, yeah, I remember painting that school; good times. Made a bit of a mess when it crashed into my hometown, but that's fine; we love fixing things anyway.'

'This isn't your everyday repair shop. What do you want me to repair? Your head? Your personality? I'll give you a great deal.' Sir, you are talking to Squall Leonhart and that is a task beyond any repairman.

Selphie's 'our leader, Squall (who did a great job, by the way)' aside in her diary is pretty cute.

Squall's response to Cid appointing him as leader is (Are you serious?), and he's right. At least discuss it with Squall before announcing it over the intercom, Cid; he's right there!

(I don't mind fighting the sorceress. It's unavoidable as long as I'm a SeeD member.
What? As long as I'm a SeeD member? What if I quit?
Quit... Then what? What do I have left?
Don't even want to think about it. Just stop thinking...)

I didn't remember this at all. You're breaking my heart, Squall.

(He wants us to kill his wife? What does it feel like to give an order like that?) is a really interesting moment of empathy from Squall, a character who struggles with empathy.

I still can't get my head around the fact that, when Irvine's deciding on instruments for the band performance in Fishermans Horizon, you can just leave the area and explore the town as Irvine. There's unique dialogue! There's a little interaction I've only just discovered that gets you Pulse Ammo, which is hugely valuable! You can explore Balamb Garden and find Squall sleeping in his dorm! Real effort went into this sequence! But nobody's going to see it, because there's no reason you might think it's possible to leave that screen.

The scene between Squall and Rinoa if you make the band play the Irish jig is so lovely, and that's another thing a lot of players are unfortunately going to miss, because choosing the Irish jig over 'Eyes on Me' is deeply unintuitive. I love Rinoa's 'We all love you. There, I said it. Please don't freak out.'

It seems weird that Balamb Garden is the only Garden offering the SeeD exam when it's so much more isolated than Galbadia Garden.

what the fuck, I just accidentally tried to draw Cure from the Balamb dock draw point to Squall when he already had the maximum number of Cures, and then Squall went 'Hmm?' and I got the message '126 gil came with the Draw!'

You can draw money? You can draw money? I've played this game so many times and had zero idea of this! You can draw money???

I CAN'T REPRODUCE THIS AND I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING ABOUT IT ONLINE, I SWEAR I DIDN'T IMAGINE THIS

16 October 2022: I Didn't Turn Out Okay At All.

I'm early in the third disc of Final Fantasy VIII; I've just reached Esthar! I feel Final Fantasy VIII becomes weaker after disc two, but I'm still enjoying my replay.

Squall's matter-of-fact 'I don't think I was adopted because of the way I am' breaks my heart.

I like Irvine's argument that they might as well fight the sorceress because 'hey, at least it'll keep us together a little longer'.

'The save point is up and running, sir!' Balamb Garden students... canonically set up a temporary save point for the battle against Galbadia Garden? I have so many questions about the function of save points in-universe.

Zell offering to make Rinoa a replica of Squall's ring is very cute. The party dynamics that don't involve Squall are a little underexplored, with the possible exception of Irvine and Selphie, but I really like what we see of Zell and Rinoa's friendship.

(One of my favourite things about Final Fantasy XIII was the amount of attention it paid to fleshing out different relationships within the party. The sequences where characters travel in pairs aren't great from a gameplay perspective, as the battle system is at its best with three fighters, but they're excellent for strengthening party dynamics.)

Can't believe anyone ever looked at Laguna and went 'yes, you seem like the right person to lead us.' I suppose he's good-hearted and likeable, if not competent, and kindness might be your main priority if you want someone to replace Adel.

Wait, why did the Esthar soldiers let Laguna keep his machine gun if he's their prisoner? I feel it would make more sense if he was able to defeat them because Squall's presence let him use magic and GFs.

I have to wonder whether Squall would have concluded he was in love with any of his comrades if they'd fallen unconscious in Rinoa's place. I think he'd have had similarly intense emotions about suddenly losing any of them.

Except possibly Irvine; he's strangely dismissive of Irvine sometimes. I definitely think he'd have been upset if Irvine had been the one in the coma, but I don't think he'd have reached the conclusion that he was in love with Irvine, whereas I could definitely see that happening with, say, Zell.

Of course, the fact that other characters might have triggered the same feelings doesn't necessarily mean that Squall's feelings for Rinoa aren't real. Perhaps a universe exists where Squall/Zell happened instead, but that doesn't invalidate the Squall/Rinoa in this universe. The coma may have been the catalyst for Squall's feelings, but the fact remains that the coma happened and therefore Squall experienced those feelings.

Sometimes, people fall in love on account of the things that happen to them. I don't want to imply that the only 'true' love is some magical, immutable feeling that is guaranteed to exist between two specific people regardless of their experiences; I don't think that's how life works. There's an NPC couple at Trabia Garden who got together because they happened to be sitting next to each other in class on the day the missiles hit; I'm not going to go 'hey, your relationship's not real because it wouldn't have happened if nobody had fired missiles at your school'.

In conclusion, Squall/Rinoa is valid, but Squall/Zell is equally valid. Thank you for attending my lecture. Disclaimer: my argument is highly suspect because I know nothing about romance and I love Squall/Zell.

10 November 2022: Go Squall Go! Go Squall Go!

I finished my replay of Final Fantasy VIII! I posted a miserable Squall/Zell fic almost immediately after finishing the game, but I've only just got around to sharing my last batch of notes from playing.

(Even if you end up as the world's enemy, I'll... I'll be your knight.)

It's a fucked-up thing for Squall to think, but this time around I'm enjoying how fucked-up it is, and the parallels it draws with Seifer. And the complexity of swearing to fight for someone even if that ultimately means you're actually fighting for the malevolent entity controlling her.

When I first played this game, incidentally, I thought Seifer followed Edea because he was under some sort of mind control. But, on this replay, I don't think he is? I think he's just confused and caught up in knighthood fantasies and possibly turned on.

Squall says to Laguna, 'I didn't like your attitude at all. But I understood the bond between the three of you.' I think that's interesting, given how much Squall struggles with interpersonal relationships.

'I wasn't paying close attention while they made me up to be this hero of the revolution, and I ended up being president.' I love Laguna.

Seifer seems to be hesitating before handing Rinoa over to Adel. And then Squall turns up, and Seifer immediately carries it out, now that he has Squall as his audience. He can't show hesitation or compassion or fondness in front of Squall; compassion is weakness. He even says, 'Watch closely, Squall!'

With a combination of Meteor junctions and strength-boosting passive abilities, I was able to max out Squall's strength stat at 255, which I don't think I've ever managed before! He was doing absolutely ludicrous amounts of damage. It felt great.

Zell's attack stat wasn't far behind. I actually stalled slightly in the final battle because Squall hadn't entered the fray yet, and I was concerned that Rinoa and Zell were going to obliterate the entire final boss sequence without him. It didn't feel right to defeat Ultimecia without letting Squall land an attack on her!

As a concept, time compression feels a bit underexplored, but the glimpses we catch of it are fascinating. I love the unsettling sequence in the ending FMV where time collapses endlessly into itself.

I'm so glad this game exists. It's always such a pleasure to revisit it. It's a mess; I can't argue with that. But it means a lot to me.

And that's the end of my notes from my 2021–2022 playthrough of Final Fantasy VIII! You can also read my notes from my 2008 playthrough or my 2013 playthrough if you're interested.